We are made up of so many layers. Some layers come off as the seasons of life drench us. And sometimes when we stand naked in the sun, allowing wet shadows to evaporate, we are left with the only skin we can live freely in; the one we were born with.
Meri pehli performance itni zabardast thi ke tees saal tak main usse repeat karti rahi. It was a play of four acts.
The first act was about pretending how to be happy even when every cell in my body was collapsing- membranes dissolving into nothingness, skin unfeeling to touch and pleasure, bones unsteady. The face beneath my mask was a jangle of tight nerves. But the smile plastered on my mask reached the eyes.
I was terrific in this act. Everyone loved it magar kisi ne taali nahi bajaai.
The second act was about sadness- that grief which grips you by the ankles and makes you trip on invisible objects. All feeling a deep purple, tears convulsing out of you, life an ocean you are stranded in, knee deep and frozen.
The stage was too small for this act; I could not do it justice. I had to stop midway because the audience jeered and booed me away.
The third act was so confused it forgot which stage door it was supposed to enter from. It had to be handheld and dragged under the spotlight. It managed to look fully composed, in control, all knowing and wise- everything both it and I had never ever felt.
The last act was about rage. I could not fit into the costume only! I tried and tugged, huffed and puffed. I even ripped the costume in many places. When I finally managed to pull on the many pieces, they felt uncomfortable and alien, as if I was a stranger in my own body. Aisa laga ke maine wo jeans pehen li ho jo shayad das baras ki umr mei fit aati thi. Jeans chaddh to gai magar zip ne jawaab de diya!
I rushed to finish the act but man, rage was here to stay! It turned on me and said I had to leave this useless stage. That I did not need to perform, that a spotlight followed me everywhere I went anyway- I was my own main character under the sun.
Rage also told me that this performance was unkind and unnecessary, ke ande, chappal aur taaliyan bina naatak kare bhi mil hi jaatin hain. Apni zindagi ka star bane rehna hi sabse badhiya act hai! Jisko meri brightness se dikkat hogi wo chashma pehen lega, jise accha lagega wo meri raushnni borrow kar sakta hai!
I wrote this piece to a prompt in the last edition of The Rhythm of Our Stories workshop faciliated by the gentle and amazing
and . This delightful, fear softening, joy giving offering is part of the larger offerings on writing, exploration and community mentored by , Raju and Vimal under the umbrella. If you, like me, are a lover of stories, sharing, creating something new and reshaping something old, go look them up and have fun!
Amazing, amazing 🤗🤗🤗
I have to take a breather every time I read your writing. Makes me want to contemplate. I’m not good at it, so I give in to Rafi or SPB.