My Big Yellow Bikini
Of small moments and big joys.
It feels silly to write about things as inconsequential as bikinis and swimsuits when the entire world is reeling from violence. But in the end, those removed from the frontlines of pain have only their inconsequentiality to hold onto, to remind themselves of fragile happiness and tender humanity.
I am sharing with you a milestone moment from my forty something years. A small blip from the reels of my life that left me with big feelings. Maybe it will remind you of a similar big-small moment from your life.
Does wearing a swimsuit mean you finally accept yourself as you are? Perhaps not. Acceptance is a lifelong process. A rickety bumpy journey back to the self as it were.
But for a small town girl who spent half her life hating and hurting her body and the ongoing half repairing the damage done to it, it can mean many things.
It can mean that scars finally feel like flowers unfurling, creating unique patterns on skin/bone/heart/soul.
It can also mean that fat is just fat and not identity, not a descriptor of who we are, what we can possibly do and who we can possibly become.
It most certainly means that one can be playful at any age, at any size, giggly and squealish like a child or a piglet playing in the waves, snout muddy, gurgles deep and skin beaming.
Wearing a bikini also means that sand will find its way up and into your ass no matter what you do to prevent that from happening. Sand, like life, finds a way to get inside the cracks and cause deep itching.
And finally, revelling in a swimsuit means that for an hour or a day, debilitating illness can feel remote-like an island in the middle of a deep sea. Something that coexists with all the beautiful things that exist in the ocean. Something that must be felt but can be left behind when one is just busy being a big girl in a big yellow bikini, the word big no longer an obstacle my tongue trips on.
I wanted to share this with you because some of you, like me, may have climbed into and out of sadness. When you witness this moment, you might also be called to witness the many big and small, visible and invisible hurdles you have overcome.
In this moment, a big girl in a yellow bikini felt deep, incandescent joy. Everthing accompanined me;the good,the bad, the ugly. As did the women, men, children and animals who have loved me enough to make this joy possible. In that moment, I was not alone. I am never alone.
How tender and yet, so powerful!
Always poignant, thoughtful, and inspiring, Reema. Lots of love ❤️ 😍 💖